I used to think I needed to fix myself - that I needed to be clean and pure before I could stand before my Father's Throne of Grace and ask for His forgiveness.

​I used to believe that I needed to be strong - that if only I could find a way to muster up the "will power" and "inner strength" to fight back against my demons - then I would be delivered.

For so long, I relied on myself. I listened to the voices in my head, depended on the stories of my past, built up walls to try and keep the enemy out, and made myself small in hopes that if no one could see me - well, maybe then - I would finally be left alone. 

But no matter how hard I tried. No matter the effort I gave - alone in battle, I would fall. 

I would cry out, "In Jesus name" and pray for hours in solitude. I would fast for days and read the LORD's Word desperately seeking the part I was missing for my victory to be made manifest.

​But my breakthrough did not come.......

​Whatever victories I managed to achieve in the morning never lasted; when darkness came - when the demons resurfaced to take back what they thought was rightfully theirs in the night - alone in battle, I would fall.

But I knew that God was preserving me; always understood that for some reason, my Father in the sky favored me. How else could I explain my life? The blessings He bestowed upon me? The gifts I did not deserve always placed miraculously into my unreaching hands.

​Even the people around me could see I had His favor - could see the anointing He placed on my life. They didn't know that's what they saw of course - because they didn't know my Father - they  simply believed I was "lucky" and it made them envious and angry in ways I could not understand.

Every time I succeeded, their hearts hardened a little more. 

I was both loved and hated by many. Those around me loved to benefit from my blessings, but they hated to see me succeed in ways they could not. Envy is a murderous spirit and for many who claimed to love me, they could not accept God's favor on my life. I was the one who got the boy, the one who scored the lead role, the one who aced the test she didn't study for, the one who got the job she didn't have the degree for, the one who men fawned over, the one who married her soul mate on a mountain top in Peru, the one who lived in a home built for a princess, the one who looked younger and prettier with age, the one who travelled abroad to fun and exciting places.

Perhaps, if the tables were turned. I would have hated me too. 🤔
​
​I don't know why God favored me. "the LORD giveth, and the LORD taketh away." (Job 1:21) You'll have to take up your complaint with Him.

​But while my life may have appeared perfect and easy on the outside, I was being tormented on the inside. I may have had all the material things a person hopes for in this world, but my spirit was broken and in despair; wrapped up in bondage and chains from the evil I met early in my life. The memories of my past haunted me daily; and the parts of my past that were erased and forgotten frightened me more than the ones I could remember.
​
​"What did I do? What causes someone to behave that way? Am I evil? Am I filthy? Am I doomed?"

Everyday I was reminded by the evil one that I didn't deserve my blessings; that I was taking more than I was giving back; that I was greedy, selfish, vain, and impure; that God didn't love me; He didn't forgive me; He didn't want me in His presence. I was filthy. I was nasty. I was unsavable. I didn't belong to Light of the world - I belonged to the dark lord of the night. That my rightful place was in his pit and I was created to serve his every whim, every demand, and every desire until he was tired of me and decided to throw me back. 

That was the fate of the wicked, he told me, and I was wicked.

In the very core of my being, I always knew my Father in the sky loved me and was calling me home - but the enemy tricked me with his lies, deceit, and accusations for most of my life. 

The devil made me believe that God only wanted the righteous, the clean, the pure. But that was a lie from the pits of hell.

God is nothing like Satan.

He doesn't kick you when you're down. He doesn't point out your flaws. He doesn't mock your pleas for help. He doesn't turn away from you in disgust when you need him the most. 

That is not who the Father in the sky is. That is not the LORD Jesus Christ. That is not the precious holy spirit of the Most High God. 

The LORD of everything and everyone, is a gentleman. He sees you lying in the dirt and He reaches out a hand to lift you up. He sees the tears run down your face and he takes His hand and wipes them gently from your cheek. He hears you call out in the darkest of nights and comes to your bedside to hold you while you sleep. He whispers words of encouragement for your victory and words of caution for your protection. He is the friend you never had, but always wanted. The hope you longed for, but were afraid to trust in. The love that stays true no matter how poorly you act, and the strength you wish you could find in yourself, but were always left wanting.

​I could never be good enough on my own to stand before the King of the Universe and be deemed worthy. I am a sinner - underserving of His grace - that part is true.

​But I am not unworthy of His love, and neither are you.

The LORD giveth and He taketh away and He has given me a gift - the gift of eternal life in His son Jesus Christ. And while I may have done nothing to deserve His favor, His grace, His mercy, and His compassion. I will gladly accept this underserved gift and cherish it all the days of my life. 

Jesus is my righteousness. Jesus is my defender. Jesus is my strength. Jesus is my deliverer.

​So while I may look like a tiny, helpless kitten in this jungle of a world - it is no matter to me anymore. I am not afraid of this world - no longer worried about the forces of darkness that lie awake in the night;

Father God, Your shadow of protection can be seen from miles away and no demon from my past dares to approach me now. The dark lord trembles at the sight of You, my King; he bows low in the presence of Your Glory and then scurries off to his place of desolation and destruction, for a time. 

It took me many years to get to this place; many tears and many lonely nights to realize that the strength to overcome and endure does not come from me - it comes from Him. "Yes, you took the long way around precious daughter of mine, but every mile mattered," my Father in Heaven lovingly whispers in my spirit.

Thank you Father.

The journey back home was a hard one for me. The lifting of the veil of deception was blinding to my eyes, and the process I needed to endure to be free from the demonic trance I was under, broke me in many ways.

But it was worth it.

I am with Him now. I am home; safe, free and unconditionally loved forever more. I am so very grateful for the life He gave me. Very grateful, indeed.

I hope my story gives you comfort in your pain and suffering today. I hope my words are an encouragement for you to keep going - to not give up. But more than anything, I hope my story points you back to what really matters - our Father in Heaven. 

For He is the first and the last. The beginning and the end. He is before all things and over all things He reigns. He is your helper and He truly is your only hope.

Put on the LORD Jesus Christ today and let Him be your strength.
Let Him fight your battles.
​Let Him guard and protect your heart.

Alone in battle, you will fall.
But with God - you cannot lose.
Praise God.  ​💗

If not for You, my enemies would have conquered me.
If not for You, my tears would have never dried.
If not for You, my life would be no more.

You, O LORD, have seen my hardship.
You, my King, have witnessed the toil of my hands.
You, faithful Father in Heaven, have searched the intentions of my heart. 

And Your decisions are final.

Praise be to the God of Israel, the God of Abraham, The LORD God Almighty!
Live forever my King!
You have taken up my case and redeemed my life.
I am forever Yours.
💗​

Holy, holy, holy - is the LORD God Almighty!

Praise Your Holy Name, Father God in Heaven. For You are before all things and over all things You reign. 💗

I love you with all my heart - for there is no one like You. In the depths of my despair - you give me comfort. And when I feel like I can't go on another step - when I can't muster up the strength to even take another breathe of air -  You pick me up and carry me the rest of the way.

O who is like You, my King? Who can calm my fears, like You do? Who can wipe the tears from my eyes, like You do? Who can stop my world from moving when You speak, like You do? Who can fill my heart with joy, like You do? Who can give me hope in my future, like You do?

I tell You the truth. No one.

You are worthy, O LORD, to receive all the glory and all honour and all praise. You are the maker and the breaker of all things. You bring them into existence and you blot them out for Your own purposes. You are the majesty of life. You are the King of all Kings.

Oh where would I be without you, my Father? My Saviour? My beginning...my end? Truly, I ask, where would I be without You? Without Your help? Without Your grace? Without Your compassion? Without Your mercy?

What have I done to deserve Your sweet presence, Light in my darkness?

​Why do you look so fondly on my face? Why do you speak to me so earnestly? ​What is it about me that makes You leave Your throne of Grace to take up my case and protect me from my enemies? Why do you bless me and favor me so?

What is it about a wretch like me, that makes You so protective, so gentle, so kind without measure?

And yet, as I type my question, Your precious Spirit reminds me of the Truth of the matter. It is not about me at all. This, my King, is about You. 

You made me. You created me. And You gave me life for Your pleasure - Your glory.
​And yet, how is it that I am left feeling as though I am the one who gains it all in the end?

Because I do.

In You, I have found my life. Forever and always I am Yours. I belong to You. I will sit at the foot of Your throne and sing Your praises all the days of my life. You are the first sound I hear in the morning and the last thought I have when I lay my head on my bed.

​May You never grow weary of holding me in Your shadow, O LORD.
May I sit under the wings of Your glory forever and ever. 
For You alone are worthy, O King.
You, and only You.
​
Praise God. ​💗

Father God in Heaven, I praise Your Holy Name. I worship You. I love You. I trust You. Today, I give You the life I built for myself, so that I may have the life you planned for me on the day I was created.

I've spent 40 years in this world as a lost and wandering soul - drifting to and fro - caught up in the current of this life. I did what I wanted and I explored all the options my heart desired. I ran far away from you to see what the world could offer me and I came close to Your throne so I may know who You are. 

​And at the end of my time in the wilderness, I have come to know this.....

You are gentle and meek in heart and I have finally found rest for my soul. I was broken and battered, my heart so close to giving up, but You - the Creator of the Heavens and Earth - blessed me and gave me favor. You looked kindly on me from the heavens. You heard my prayers. You saw my pain, and You rescued me from my shame, my guilt, and my sin.

My broken body and spirit took refuge in the shadow of Your glorious wings and you turned me into someone new - someone pleasing in Your sight. You never grew faint or weary in my battles. You never slept when I was in the storm. You watched over me with fierce protection and steadfast love - for You knew that I was Yours. That I belonged to You.

You formed every part of me, Father God - knitted my very being into my mothers womb and called me by name - predetermined my destiny, and knew from the beginning that one day, Your prodigal daughter would return and bring glory to Your name. You give power to the weak, and to those who have no might like me, You have increased my strength day by day during this refining period, that I may withstand whatever storm the enemy brings my way from this day forth.

I thank you Father God in Heaven, for Your sacrifice. Thank you for loving me even when I was wicked, sinful, and against You. Thank you for seeing this day 2000 years ago and placing yourself on a cross to be beaten, mocked, and murdered, so that I may be spared. I can never repay You for this gift; could never begin to understand a love as deep as Yours, but please know this - I am so very grateful for Your sacrifice precious Spirit of the One True Living God. 

And while I know I can never repay You for all You have done for me, I hope you will let me try.

Let my life be one that points to You, Father God. Let my name and my accomplishments grow dim in the light of Your perfection. Let my testimony of Your Grace and new beginnings bring the masses to your Throne, and let the world see Your power and Your goodness through the destruction and resurrection of my life. 

You and only You are worthy of all the praise. Today I put on the LORD Jesus Christ. I stand is His righteousness and His strength and as I walk into the light of a new day I proclaim this,

"I have been given the words and the boldness to fearlessly make know the mysteries of the Gospel because the same power that rose Jesus from the grave, lives in me. May I never grow weary of sharing Your story, Father God. For it is the greatest love story of all time - and for reasons I will never understand - you did it all for a wretch like me. "

​Praise God.
Praise You, indeed. ​💗